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It’s Really About Power
William Sundwick
Recently, we’ve all been subjected to a barrage of celebrity
sexual malfeasance, both in politics and entertainment, men are caught in truly
heinous instances of sexual abuse and harassment. It appears that nothing has
changed about men’s awful behavior, but more women are now emboldened by their
sisters, and the media, to come forward and name their abusers.
We can choose to hang a political/ideological banner on some
of these acts, or we can choose to play a self-righteous “traditional virtue” card
on others. Whichever fits, we’ll use it to blame those disgusting Republicans
or those disgusting Hollywood types. Unfortunately, the evidence tends to
support that the same behavior
exists everywhere – not just in these high-profile celebrity arenas.
One of these recent revelations, involving comedian Louis
C.K., is slightly different. C.K. did not attempt to deny the accusations, but
instead wrote a letter of apology
– saying he “asked” for consent from each of his accusers. This highlights a
salient feature of civilization going back thousands of years: established
patriarchal power relationships. C.K. wielded power over these women, as a
prospective employer, or key to their future careers in comedy. He flagrantly abused
that power to humiliate and demoralize the women. Patriarchy is bigger and runs
deeper than any of us is aware – even such an astute observer of the human
condition as Louis C.K.
An Orgy of Self-Examination
Any “feminist
manifesto” needs all the help it can get to begin manifesting change in the
culture. If you’re a man, it’s admirable for you to join the fight, but
ultimately, you must own the culture. You are a beneficiary of patriarchy as
much as women are victims.
Many of us have been indulging in an orgy of
self-examination lately. Will any good come from this? Honesty about physical
attraction is good, since physical attraction tends to perpetuate the species. But,
we also have egos. We all seek, to varying degrees, what psychologists call “narcissistic supply.”
Some of us never seem to get enough. And, it’s often collected in a setting of
power over the opposite sex – partners, employees, students, people we meet
randomly.
We flirt. We flirt when we are single, looking for a mate. We
flirt when we are married, thinking we can get away with it. We flirt to test
whether we can obtain consent (even if we don’t pursue it). And, we hope we can
still justify our behavior to ourselves when the flirtation ends. We do it
because it’s fun.
We play the game because there is some chance of reward – if we’re good at it.
If we’re good at it, the object of our flirting will also feel good. The narcissistic supply flows in both
directions, we tell ourselves.
But, does it? One of the most insidious aspects of
patriarchy is that power relationships between men (the aggressors) and women
(the victims) make resistance impossible in many cases. Consent cannot be
reasonably given when the initiator and recipient of the exchange inhabit very
different power
positions. It’s easy to determine consent between two people with power
differential near zero. They are free actors. Not so much between superior and
subordinate, between star and aspiring entertainer (Louis C.K. case), between
customer and server. All these unequal power relationships can transform
flirtation into harassment. Large age disparity is another unequal power
dynamic (Judge Roy Moore and his teen-age “dates”). Even among peers in an
office environment, the requirement to always smile and be kind to your
coworkers is an imposition of power relations in the workplace.
That Libido
Our libido makes us choose what feels good. Narcissism makes
us insensitive to how our actions cause someone else to feel bad. And, an
unequal power relationship may prevent an honest answer about how a flirtatious
advance makes the recipient feel.
Not everybody is equally narcissistic. Some people are saints. But, look who we elected
President. Narcissists
often appeal to us. They can relieve us of responsibility for our response.
Flirting takes advantage of this – we can “play along” with an advance rather
than anxiously guessing about intentions, because we have no expectations. We relax
and enjoy the attention!
Flirting
was invented as a socially acceptable way of expressing physical attraction for
another. But, whether it is acceptable to the recipient of an advance is
another matter. Most people, including his victims, would not consider Louis
C.K.’s advances socially acceptable. But, what could they say to him? Would
they shrug it off? Would they pretend to be amused? Flattered? How
would they hide their shame?
But, some flirting clearly DOES make the recipient feel
good, doesn’t it? Aren’t we all susceptible to flattery? Doesn’t it feel good
to be the subject of attention from an attractive member of the opposite sex
(or same sex, depending on your orientation)? What about attention from someone
you’ve always admired? What about that flirting game? The jockeying for
dominance between two people in not obviously different power positions can be
a source of amusement -- like any competition against a worthy opponent.
Superior social skills, correctly guessing the other’s intentions, before they
guess yours, give you an advantage. And, it’s not necessarily a preordained
advantage based on patriarchal rules. “Toxic masculinity” is usually a
disadvantage in this game, but there is also the risk of being subjected to “slut
shaming” by peers.
Courage is needed to withdraw from a flirting game that
turns abusive. It won’t do you any good to continue playing as if it’s still an
innocent diversion, when it turns into harassment – as it often does. Standards
of public decency supposedly make it easier to withdraw from some situations,
but the aggressor may know this, and use outward appearances of innocence to
his advantage. Clearly those standards did not work to extricate Louis C.K.’s
accusers.
Eyes of the Beholder
If flirting becomes harassment, or cheating, it is usually
in the eyes of the beholder. It is harassment if the victim feels diminished,
or shamed. It is cheating if the victim is a third party – a spouse/partner.
The interpretation of flirting
as cheating depends, again, on the power relationship between the flirting
partner and the apparent victim partner. The victimized partner may call out
the other’s actions as cheating, or suffer silently, building resentment as the
aggressor partner persists in the behavior – much as the victim of harassment
feels diminished, but can’t complain because of unequal power distribution.
There could be another approach, of course -- acceptance and mutuality. If each
partner understands the other’s personality, and both engage in the same kind
of behavior, mutual acceptance could result. That may work in cases of relatively
low power differential between the two partners. If not, best to modify your
behavior, and stop flirting!
Finger-pointing is common among partners when it comes to
flirting. But, it’s worthwhile to remember that self-righteous accusations and
distrust reveal one’s own narcissism. Usually, the more outgoing partner is
likely to be on top in the power differential. The more introverted partner
will not be as successful at flirting. This may cause envy more than jealousy.
Which end of the narcissistic power balance are you on? Are you “the greatest,”
or the “worthless piece of crap”?
Don’t Hide
All flirting, if it is ever benevolent, as opposed to
malevolent, relies on some degree of honesty. While true that overt intentions
are purposely hidden in the flirtatious exchange, it’s important that the
initiator and responder both come to an agreement – eventually – about what is
happening. Flirting should not be hidden forever. Of course, the flirtatious
relationship will come to an end when the “truth” is revealed. This is the way
it’s meant to be. It may end when the spouse finds out. It may end when one
party to the flirtation finds they are no longer collecting their “narcissistic
supply” from the relationship. It may end when it just gets too uncomfortable for
either party to continue – when they cannot deal with the honesty required!
This is the inherent risk of all flirtatious relationships. They must end
sometime. When flirting while single, the hope is that the relationship will
lead to a deeper partnership – the flirtation may transform into a marriage.
When flirting while married, the hope is that it is ended responsibly, before
any damage to the marriage occurs. When flirting from grossly unequal power
positions, the hope is that both parties can still respect each other, and
themselves, when the relationship ends.
When the “truth” of the flirtation becomes known to both
(all three) parties, and they are honest with themselves, some self-examination
of motivations may be in order. There’s never anything wrong with learning
about yourself. Apologies may also be in order – these should be honest, too.
But, flirting is way too common, and life too short, to
flail yourself forever because you didn’t handle the denouement as adroitly as
you might have.
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